If I Only Had a Brain

Sometimes I wish I could write better. My grammar, punctuation and spelling have gone downhill quite a bit in the past year. I think if I read over my pre-chemo posts, then came back to this POS, I'd probably bawl. While I was never a great writer, I used to be able to police my own mistakes and correct them, sometimes even before I made them in the first place. These days, eh, not so hot.

Having a blog has somehow evolved over time. In the early days, before a blog was called a blog, it was an online diary, and there was rarely, if ever, a way to send the author feedback. Some authors made their e-mail addresses well known, because they liked feedback. Others posted anonymously.

A good online journal was respected, considered even somewhat sacred. How often does a normal Gomer get to read the innermost, private thoughts of another, without having stole the diary and forced open the lock?

These days, eh, so-called journals are a dime a dozen online, and trolls have made a career out of going from one to another, flaming each with comments that rarely even make sense. Throughout all of this, however, some of us have kept on. Kept to our original diary. Stayed candid. Remained a true diary. We don't write for money, we don't have ads or sponsors splashed all over, we aren't "told" how many links we need to provide in one entry.

Are we any better than the paid writers? No, I'm not trying to put myself up on a pedestal, nor am I putting anyone else down. I'm just contrasting the two, as I sit here rambling on in the morning hours.

I wish I could write better. The one thing I tend to have going for me is that I'm typically interesting. I have a crazy, morbid sense of humor. There is humor in almost every post I write, although some readers just don't get it, and would rather go somewhere and flame me in private or public. I also try to eventually, however long it takes me, get to a point. My writing could be condensed down about 90%, but then it wouldn't be a journal anymore, would it?

I think that probably the hardest thing for a true, true poker journalist would be having the attributes of being both a serious poker player, and a good writer. Most of us just don't have "it." It makes reading poker journals painful. CardPlayer coverage of the 2006 WSOP is a prime example of that. Oy, that was horrid.

I wish I could write like PC, or Boy, or Linda (pre-blog purchase), or Kent.

I wish I could play like Max, Shirley, Matt or Chris.

These things I will never be. For good or bad, I will be solely myself, of that I can promise you ;)

Yesterday's post met with some interesting compliments and criticism. Oddly enough, I just banged it out in the early morning coffee hour before Glenn even arose. I was rambling and going around in circles. I never once thought of the post, or even the subject matter. For whatever reason, most of the time the posts that I never think about get the most feedback (both good and bad). But once again, I fail to please many readers. Most IM's or e-mails fell along the lines of criticism that I wasn't hard enough on smokers, or that I was too hard on smokers. SMOKERS??? Are you kidding me? The post had nothing to do with smoking. I don't know bubkiss about smoking, having never even tried a cigarette in my life. Oh, well. There are days when trolls will be offended no matter what is written.

I am often "told" to write more about what I'm thinking and feeling given the current legislation. The fact that I am "told" to do this will only force me not to do it. I have always been the anti-peer pressure type. Everyone in my low-class, redneck town was having sex by 14, so I refused. Most of my so-called peers were smoking by 12, so I refused. Most drank their way through high school, sometimes even sneaking vodka into their lockers and adding it to OJ every morning. So I refused. Most had their first illegitimate pregnancy by 20, including all three of my ex-step sisters. So I refused.

You don't "tell me" to post something. You don't even ask politely. My journal, my subject matter. End of discussion.

And even if I felt like addressing this issue? Well, I have very little point of reference. Sure, I've been around for a long time. I'm the old schooler of the poker world in a sense. But I never cared for online poker, hence I never really followed the drama or legislation that has been slowly choking us off since the beginning. I wasn't even playing online when credit cards first were denied. Nor when PayPal took the nosedive. So solly chally, I have no educated opinion.

What you got yesterday will probably be the only post of any substance whatsoever that is floating around in my brain.

I am slowly coming to a change in my journal. Oh, so slowly. Things are happening to me, and for me, that will necessitate this journal turning into something completely different. I'm sure you've seen it coming, given my posts about quitting full-time poker. I'm simply not the same person anymore. I don't care enough to play full-time. I don't care enough to play online. I don't have enough interest in poker to write about it all of the time.

While the LJ has already been changed from a "poker" journal to a life journal, the Blogger one has remained pretty pokercentric, with the odd quip here and there for fun.

What I am becoming is still a mystery, even to me. But what I can promise you, as I have in the past, and earlier in this entry, is that I will be here, I will be candid and I will try to remain as interesting as possible.

Writing is in my blood. I wrote my first short story at around six, and have never stopped. I'm not that good, but I'm here, and here I will stay.

Felicia :)