Thursday, May 25, 2006

State of the Union

I should be out in my garden. I should be doing something productive and healthy. Instead I am stuck in here in my lazy-boy, laptop on my legs, typing a post into this journal. Why am I doing that? Because I'm angry, and when I'm angry, nothing is going to be good until I get the anger out of my system.

I suppose that every few months I should have some kind of public address post. I can just copy and paste it from the last time, and save myself a lot of work. It seems like I have gotten a lot of new readers lately on both LJ and blogger. So they somehow assume things about me which absolutely are not true.

I am just me. I am absolutely 100% genuine. There is no "online persona" or shtick that I have. My name really is Felicia, and I really talk and act this way in real life. I'm not bragging about it, believe me, no one more-so than myself would rather be able to "go along to get along" and all of that liberal, PC tree hugging hippy bleeding heart Kumbaya stuff. I make my life more difficult because it's just me, not some fake wannabe.

I'm not cool, I've never been cool, I don't want to be cool and those readers who pander to me and try to make me into some icon sicken me more than the haters.

I write what I believe. Sure, every once in a while I'll do a joke type post, but even those are often laced with lots of truth (a recent example would be the "Will I Like You?" post).

I don't have ads because of me, not because I necessarily think they are evil or selling out. Some people can accept ad offers, and then stay true to themselves and their writing. I can't. I'd feel some kind of pressure to change and be more socially acceptable. That's just me. I'm not trying to be Joan of Arc or some kind of heroine. The only ad I absolutely feel is "evil" and that people should not place on their sites is the poker source one. And that is a long, drawn out history with 2+2 and a lot of scams. I hate to see people get ripped off, but it is not my place to tell them what to do. They puts up the ads, they takes their chances.

People often feel that I am going to be "normal" in person. I am not normal in any way, shape or form. I am not a sheep, I don't have the herd mentality. If you come up to me, approach me, I am going to stay me, not some kind of pansy. If you start talking on your cell phone, you know what, I'm just going to walk away. There is appropriate cell phone usage and inappropriate. If you interrupt my conversation with you to use that frigging thing, you have lost my presence. You have lost my friendship, conversation, advice, help, money or anything else that you ever had with me. If you are a cell phone dumper, I will never speak to you again. That's just the fact, I am rude about it. I will not put up with any inappropriate cell phone usage. Most people don't want to be around me anyway, so really, you aren't missing out on much.

If you start gossiping or acting like your life is more important than mine around me, I will also walk away. I don't care. Your life is no more important than mine or anyone else's in this world, and I simply won't stand for it. I probably won't go off on you, I most likely will not make a spectacle of the situation, I will simply leave. You aren't worth my time. Go find some other idiots to gossip with.

If I don't like you online, what makes you think I'm going to like you in person? If we have had any type of problems online, like you flaming me, gossiping about me on your site, others' sites, or to other people, what makes you think I'm going to act PC and polite in person? Don't even approach me, because you are not going to like what you find. I am no more polite in person as I am online, and if you make a point to approach me while I am in public and/or in a social setting, I'm not going to "behave properly." Don't approach the bull unless you are ready to tangle with the horns. I will not be "nice."

If you are so tenderhearted that you cannot take the tone on the LJ site, please leave. I am not writing for you, I'm writing for me. It is an honor and privilege for you to read my private thoughts. Just like it is an honor and privilege for me to read YOUR private thoughts, if you have a journal. There is no way in hell that I would ever attack YOUR private thoughts, regardless of how much I disagree with them. Why? Because honest, candid, private thoughts can never be WRONG. If you are truly letting me into your world, your head, nothing you say can make me angry or upset. It is an honor that you will let me in. I'm not going to look a gifthorse in the mouth.

So I expect the same respect in return. If, for some reason, you find yourself unable to give that type of respect, leave. Leave LJ, leave Blogger. Don't read what I write. Because if you come down on me, on my own, personal journal, you will receive in return 10x what you dished out. I will not tolerate it in any way, shape or form. I will attack, and that is the truth. You want action, you might just get it. Sure, I normally ignore random, idiot, harmless trolls, but if you have escalated way beyond that level, you should expect to take anything you have dished out, in spades. Just don't go there, you don't want to get into it with me. It's not just some random threat, it is a promise. I will not ignore true criminals.

I keep this journal public because I truly try to help people. I don't want credit, I don't want recognition, I don't want stardom or fame. I write for me, privately, and share it with you, publicly. Lots of times I get e-mail asking me to write for a publication. Cover a tourney. Can something be used in Cardplayer? I mostly say no. The articles of mine which have been used for different publications, I have asked to remain anonymous. No, I don't even want my name in CP. Why? Because that is not my goal. If my posts can help others by being published in a magazine, that is great, but I don't need my name to be attached. Heck, I'm not even getting paid, so why bother? I mostly just tell people to copy & paste what I have written, and have at it. No problem. I don't need my name in lights.

And for those who think it's some kind of fear? That I'm "wanted" or scared of having my name, ever notice that I use my REAL name here and on 2+2? If I wanted to remain anonymous, I certainly wouldn't use my real name.

I don't go around to sites trying to be recognized or praised. If someone links to me, I try to thank him or her, but I don't ever ask or begged to be linked. I don't ask people to sign up under my name on poker sites. I don't endorse a single one. If someone says something positive about a post I've written, I try to go to their site and thank them personally. If they flame something I've written, I usually ignore it. If it is more of a constructive type criticism, I usually thank them and try to explain what I was thinking, where I went wrong, etc. I never, ever go to their site and flame them in return or retaliation.

When I rant and rave, it is usually never at a particular person or site. It is usually a build-up of a lot of sites or people in my life, who choose to step on my toes. I don't personally attack an idiot. Idiots are idiots and won't change, so why bother?

If someone starts threatening me, I usually overreact. After all, if I am true and genuine online, I expect they are, too. So if they threaten my life, I take them at face value and start freaking out. Most of them are FOS, and I don't realize it until I have already gone ballistic. Despite the threats on my life, property and person, not one of those wannabe honchos has made good on his scare. I keep waiting, but I'm still here, not buried in the desert somewhere.

I am never going to be popular, liked, loved or even respected. There are too many morons in the world for anything like that to ever happen. I dance to a different drummer and always have. I am not going to go along like a sheep. I won't follow you off of a cliff like a lemming. Any kind of pressure, so called "peer pressure" or other tactics will backfire. You will not threaten or pressure me into conforming. If you try to bring some kind of slander or libel lawsuit against me because of something I've said or written, I will not bow. Bring it on, I'll see you in court. It's pretty hard to prove slander or libel if it's TRUE, you idiot. Don't play with me, I will NOT back down.

No matter what you think, I'm going to continue to post what I want to post. I will rant and rave, I will go off on little, stupid injustices I see in the poker world. I will repeat continually whatever the f*ck I want to repeat, I will go to get togethers if I want to go, when I want to go, if invited. I will also sit home when I'm not digging them or don't feel well. I will talk to you if I want to talk to you and you want to talk to me. I will join tourneys when I want to join them or sit out when I don't. I will not be threatened or pressured.

I will write what I want, when I want. If you don't like it then leave. I am not forcing you to read. I am not chaining you to my site in any way whatsoever. Just GTFO or STFU. Makes no difference to me (although I'd rather see you leave than to stay at a place that you clearly don't enjoy).

I have an excellent life, I have a wonderful husband and three dogs. I am happy and content. I have everything I could ever have wished for in childhood. Sure, I am angry, I don't hold back my feelings. I don't hold anything back. Keeps me from migraines. I vent, vent, vent. I rant and rave, I scream and holler. I repeat poker injustices over and over again until I am blue in the face and everyone is sick of reading them. But that is ME. I won't change for you, I don't expect you to change for me. Get used to it and take it for what it's worth, or leave. It's an open door, the choice is yours.