Monday, February 27, 2006

Another Monday

I have been asked to comment on current events in the poker world and in the blogger world. I really have nothing to say, nothing to add, which hasn't already been picked over.

Most people assume that I have a hard, fixed opinion of just about everything. They are correct. I usually don't have much gray area in my life. Things are either black or white. Once in a while, however, there are things I just cannot speculate on. Either I don't know enough about the situation to form a firm opinion, or I can see both sides, and I simply refrain from comment due to sounding like a flake.

Sometime I will also refuse to get into a battle because of the absolute ignorance of the whole thing. For instance, you will rarely read me tackle the subject of women's only poker events. I don't play them, I don't support them, end of story. In this case, my utter silence on the subject should speak volumes. If it doesn't, then you are one of the millions who shouldn't be reading my journal. Your head is buried in the sand and you need to get a life. Don't come here seeking to sing Kumbaya on my site. I'm not holding your hand and walking you down the primrose path.

So that is that. I won't even bring up some current discussions. They are beneath me and I won't condescend to address them.
As an excellent segue into my next topic (lol), I am going to just touch on a few things happening physically to me post-cancer treatment.

My hair came back, as most of you already know. I started to let it grow out just a touch, although I have had very short hair for the past seven years anyway. To my surprise, once it got to about 1.5 inches, it started curling!

For a full day, it was curly, and then the next day when I washed it, the curl pretty much fell out. It still has a "bend" here and there, but the real curl is gone. Bizarre. I would have loved for it to stay curly, and would have let it grow out somewhat. I waited for about two weeks to see if it would come back, but it didn't, so I finally had Glenn shave it off again, and I'm back to this look:

I also bleached it one last time, mixed with some ash blonde color, so that it would look more natural when my real color grew in (brown & gray). I'm sick of coloring it, so I'm going to let it go. My face is already a train wreck, so I don't care anymore. I had Glenn take a couple of pictures the day it was curly. I rarely take pics, so it might be a while before they are developed. On the plus side, since Glenn's PC imploded (read Decker's tale, it is the exact same as what happened to Glenn last week), and since he has a new PC, we found that the last digital camera wasn't dead after all. The software just went wacky on his old PC and refused to work. So we have a functioning $19 Walmart digital camera after all. Now I'll be able to post pics when I actually want to, instead of when the disposable POS is ready to take to the processing center. Oy, vey! Modern technology and I obviously don't mesh well. I'll post more recent pics, as well as the pics of the Ogden House and the attached hooker hideaway motel as soon as I can.

My mouth hurts all of the time. I have sores on the inside, and my teeth are moving around. Chemo, chemo, god I wish I hadn't done it.

I am still anemic. I am taking four different kinds of iron, all supposedly easier to absorb than the cheapo brands. It doesn't seem like they are doing me any good. My skin is still virtually translucent, I can't think straight sometimes, and I chew ice constantly (pica).

The "doctors" (none of whom I trust), keep wanting me to go to the hospital and have a picc line put in. I keep refusing because of the likelihood of getting a staph infection and having it become so serious that I will be at risk of death. I don't want to be in the hospital that long. For whatever reason, the thought of being in the hospital for weeks or months at a time, in and out of an ICU and being that sick are more scary to me than death. I'm strange, I know. I never claimed not to be ;)

So we are at a stalemate.
As the days go by, I am more and more comfortable with my "withdrawn" place in society. I have pulled back from so many things that I thought were important. Fortunately, they don't seem to miss me any more than I miss them. Time will tell, I'm sure, but as of this moment, I am extremely happy with my decisions to pull out of Yahoo, pull out of different medical communities, pull out of subsets of the poker world and some of the other things I was involved in. I was definitely over extending myself. While it is true that I have nothing but time, I simply don't have the time, nor the energy for THEM, in particular. I can't be bothered to be dragged through the mud anymore. I want to be around positive, uplifting people, not negative people who pull me down.

I am almost finished with my Stud post. In theory, I think I have it worked out. I need to work on the way it reads, edit and proofread it several more times, but I think I finally have the gist of it coming out just right (thank god).

Once that is done, I'm going to veer off into another direction and study personality types and poker, and see what, if any, traits of narcissism that certain personality types possess. Most especially those of serious, winning players. That should take me about a century or two, so I'll be busy indefinitely, haha!

Have a good week, everyone. I hope the best for you, and that you are as content as I find myself these days.

Felicia :)