I had a feeling that things weren't as they seemed in Vegas, and I was correct. Some things going on just seemed off kilter, wrong.
Although I am obviously the center of the universe and everything is about ME (haha), nothing in the previous post was any kind of attempt by others to "get me" or to "hurt me." No one was out for me, no matter how horrible the post sounded.
Perhaps I could have explained it better, perhaps not. For whatever reason, my writing has always come off as angry and very self centered. Part of it is that I am extremely self absorbed. Part of it is because somehow that is just the way I write. I don't know why.
I truly never had the impression that anyone at the blogger gathering was trying to hurt me, or "out to get me," so to speak. It was always more the feeling of pure abandonment, so that they can have their fun. Some of these people haven't been to Vegas for 10 years. Coming for this type of get together can be extremely overwhelming, and people just stop thinking of their friends and other things going on altogether. I have never once tried to blame the bloggers for this type of behavior. It happens to all of us, yes, even me included.
I often go to Vegas with the names, e-mail addresses or phone numbers of friends I'm supposed to meet there while we are in town. Dr. Al, the WPDG, a blogger, a 2+2er, etc. I forget quite often, and it is not due to any conscious thought on my part. I truly never mean to neglect a contact, or forget about them, but I often do. Vegas can be overwhelming. We get into a juicy poker game, a sat, a good tourney, and suddenly thoughts of our friends, who may be waiting around for us to contact them, leave all conscious memory! I end up apologizing profusely for leaving them hanging.
As a recent example, look at my debacle with Max, and him winning a WSOP bracelet (the first of many, I predict). What a FUBAR! What a horrible friend! I could have called him (I have his local, cell phone number, and the staff at Orleans is great about letting guests use the phones in the tourney area for free). I could have asked around about who was in the money each day, just to make sure. I could have brought our laptop and looked up the stats on CP. I could have done many number of things. Coulda, woulda, shoulda...
We all do this. And it is horrible, I have no excuse. No matter how many times Max writes and says, "It's okay, Felicia," it is not okay. He has always been there for me, and I wasn't there for him at all. Three days I ignored the series, I ignored what was going on at Rio. Mostly from being tired and self-absorbed at Orleans. I have no excuse, it was my fault.
Well, the same goes for what happened with the bloggers. And the friendship post? Well, it is very true that I am horrible at selecting friends. And if that last phone call hadn't occured, well, I surely wouldn't have written that post at all. The phone call is what killed me. It is what pretty much sealed the deal (in my own head) that the "neglect" was truly conscious and done purposely.
What I didn't know, however, was that many other things were going on at the same time. Things I wasn't privy to. Things that weren't even really my business.
I truly wish that someone had just said, "Hey, listen Felicia. We know this is important to you, but not everything is shiny, happy, Kumbaya, as you well know and preach. Sometimes other people are hurting, too."
Had I known that one fact, well, obviously the post yesterday on friendship would certainly have never been made.
While I do feel completely different and separated from recreational players, the fact remains that no one intentionally hurt me, and I don't think I made that clear in my last post.
For that, I'm truly sorry.
For my true friends, I love you and am wishing you the best.