Thursday, July 13, 2006

Joke Post, Proceed with Caution!

Well, if everything goes as planned, we'll be heading back to Orleans this evening so that I can enter the final O8 event scheduled for tomorrow. 3000 in chips, hour levels. A rock's paradise :)

During the last couple of days I've realized a lot of things. One is that I'm never going to leave some people with a good impression. I'm so backwards in so many ways, and most people simply don't get it (not their fault).

I have the most warped, morbid sense of humor. I got it from my Dad. I remember as an April Fools joke he told us that a puppy had gotten into our fence and drowned in our pool overnight. I mean, how can you pull such a prank on two little kids??? Both my brother and myself were under ten!

But the thing is, in his mind he was pulling the ultimate AF joke. He never, ever meant to be hurtful or cruel. I swore I'd never be like that, and look here, I turned out just like the dude.

Most things I say are meant to be funny or to get people to loosen up. I'll give you an example of what happened over the weekend with the bloggers. I saw this pacific Asian dude at the blogger bar at Excal. He introduced himself or vice versa, but at any rate I got the impression that he had a really, REALLY good sense of humor and could take just about anything I could dish out, and then give it back to me in spades. So I just rolled with it. First I told him his blog sucks (it does, but he is gonna work on that one, because his humor is just too good to waste), then I told him that Al had told me he was a black dude from Chicago. Oh, man, did he roll with that one. All night long, poor black dude from Chicago. He played it to the hilt. Poor Al got ripped all night long with that shtick. From now on, that will probably be his M.O. The guy is a riot, and he completely knew where I was coming from on every level.

Rini is another guy who just gets my completely screwed up sense of humor. The cancer parody thing with Ted Forrest and me was so great that it cheered me up for months. Now over a year, I suppose. The more someone digs at me and rips on me, the more I like him. One time I messaged Rini on Yahoo. He didn't answer. I messaged again, nada. I have no patience, I just assume everyone is like me and has no job, and should immediately stop whatever they are doing to pay attention to me, because I'm obviously the center of their universe ;) Finally Bill chats something like "F-- off!"

I was almost literally ROFL. Now that is the kind of guy I could marry! He has bigger boobs than me, too. Then again, he had bigger boobs than me even when I did have boobs!

See? I'm warped.

So today should give you a laugh, because I'm going to just do some lighthearted things that make me unique and special. Yes, I am a butterfly. I am the beautiful snowflake that you love to adore and cherish. You wish you could keep me forever, in a freezer. Dead. lol ;)

Things I Love

A compliment is when someone says:

1) You cold-hearted witch! You have no feelings whatsoever, do you?
2) You could be a dyke, easy! Are you a guy or girl?
3) I'm too scared to play you heads-up (at my table, I conceed the tournament) All three of these things have happened to me, too, no joke. It's quite a rush. Great feeling!
4) Gawd you're ugly. I'd hate to see what you looked like before cancer!
5) You'd make a great stripper. People would pay you to get OFF the stage!
6) You might be a hooker, but you're the ugliest hooker I've ever seen!
7) You must be a sociopath. I've never seen someone with such a lack of empathy!
8) You're cheaper than any Jew I've ever met!
9) Glenn must be a saint to put up with you!
10) Thank God you couldn't procreate!   Were you this ugly even before cancer? Inbreeding hasn't treated you well, has it?
11) Thank God you can play poker, because you sure can't do anything else right!
12) I never know whether you're joking or serious! (thanks Factgirl)
13) I have to get away from you!
14) You're so skinny, if you turn sideways you just disappear
15) If you keep your face that way, it might freeze
16) Are you constipated?
17) God you stink. Did you just take a dump?
18) You're the one who doesn't believe in cell phones, right?
19) You are the most intense person I've ever met
20) I'll bet you could beat up quite a few men

Things I Hate

I consider these put-downs:

1) You are so "nice"
2) You're really quite pretty
3) Do you have a cell phone?
4) You look like you are having so much fun at the table
5) I love your blog
6) You look much younger than 37
7) Glenn really married well
8) Must be fun being friends with all of the poker "stars"
9) Why don't you enter "ladies" tournaments?
10) Hold'em is a much better game than Stud
11) Hold on, I need to answer my cell phone
12) You NEVER say anything positive
13) You have no sense of humor
14) You smell good
15) You have a great sense of fashion
16) Your feet aren't big at all!
17) Is your favorite game Hold'em?
18) You are shallow (ditzy, feminine, a flake, etc)
19) You spent a lot on that car (computer, house, outfit, hairstyle), didn't you?
20) I would love to have sex with you